Dissertation is IN

Now what? Beer!

>:-( I hate grad school

Writing your dissertation is stupid.




That is all.

Dissertation status....

126 pages.... must soldier on....

My Morning Smoothie (5?)

I've become a creature of habit in the morning recently. This I guess is a good thing, since I function much more effectively with structure. When I used to work with rats in my research, my schedule was so simple. 6am- gym. 8am - class. 10am - rats. 12pm- home to walk to the Dylan. 5pm- home! 6pm - long walk with Dylan. 7pm- make dinner, lunches, clean house. 8-10pm study. 10pm- bed.

Now I work with humans, who have jobs, and want to come in according to their schedule. Yesterday I worked 9:00am-8:00pm and had an off workout day. Today I'm working 10:00-6:00 and sneaking in a lunchtime workout. Everyday I have to evaluate my schedule and determine what I can get accomplished, if I can workout, make dinner, walk dog, etc. For a type-A personality like me it took some getting used to - and I get off track easily. But now that it's push-to graduation time, I need to get very regimented. My study ends next month and I will have NO obligations aside from writing - meaning I will be free to make a schedule conducive to me - hooray!

Starting with my morning routine (which no longer involves 6am spinning class, though it probably should. Everyday.) a smoothie and coffee.
My Morning Smoothie:
1/3 cup silken tofu
1 Tbsp stevia in the raw
1 tsp vanilla
1 handful spinach
1/2 frozen banana
1/4 cup unsweetened, frozen blueberries
1/2 cup almond milk
sprinkle cinnamon

Just mix and serve. I've been having this variation now every day for almost a month. It is good.

Time is fleeting

I cannot believe that I am finally finishing up school. I started my Master's degree in Summer of 2005, and my PhD in the Summer of 2006. It's 2011 and it's felt as if the end would never come. The first four years of my doctorate felt as if I were wading through molasses. Everything seemed to be difficult... there was one roadblock after another... and there were many times in earnest I never even wanted to finish. I just wanted to pack all of my stuff and move somewhere to work on a vineyard, or behind the counter at a coffee shop, or just spend the rest of my life drinking whiskey. But when it came down to it, I literally had no plan B. So I stuck it out and lo and behold, the end is coming near. Everything is in fast-forward right now, it feels as if I'm swimming in the fast lane and there's no time to come up for air... which is good, but stressful.

Believe it or not, I am slated to finish in August. I have been working a lot, but also traveling a bit now before I lose the opportunity. My committee meeting is tomorrow, and I am currently preparing these CAKE BALLS for them. Since I'm dipping things I've decided to dip some strawberries in chocolate also. Some may call is kiss-ass, I call it being resourceful.

I haven't been able to do much cooking lately - but I have made THIS CREAMY AVOCADO PASTA from Oh She Glows, and also this SWEET POTATO AND BLACK BEAN SALAD.

Dinner tonight was a repeat of Brie, apple and arugula quesadillas, a beet and pecan salad, and a 2 BELOW beer.

Hope tomorrow goes fine! Maybe just one more beer.

BBQ flavored white beans and sausage and spinach... and raw chunky cheesecake

Today I stayed at home to write.... I spent all day sitting and typing up my reference section and expanding on my results. How fun! At 5 I decided to do some yoga so that I would feel as if I had moved a little today. I always feel guilty going to yoga class and hearing them talk about our "home practice." I don't have a home practice. But it was kind of nice, just doing what I wanted to do for an hour. Anyway- when the husband came home he was wet and tired and hungry. I whipped up one of my favorites from Nava Atlas' Vegan Express (I've been on a kick lately). This is a meal I've made a few times, it is so simple and unbelievably filling.


BBQ-flavored white beans with and spinach:
1.5 Tbsp EVOO
1 onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic chopped
2 cans white beans, drained1 14 oz. package tofurkey sausage (I like the Italian variety best)
1 cup BBQ sauce (I usually make my own, but not today)
As much baby spinach as you can fit into the pan.

Warm EVOO, saute onion and garlic - add sausage until nice and browned. Add beans and BBQ sauce - then spinach. Cover the pan until spinach wilts, then stir it all up and serve. So easy!


The whole:


The product:



After dinner I decided I would try making a Raw Vegan Cheesecake that I had seen On Love Veggies and Yoga. I had everything to make it and started soaking my cashews the night before.
Here is my crust:



I was a little bummed that my cheap-o food processor could not make the filling smooth. However, it still tasted okay. It is in the freezer now - so I will know how the final product tastes tomorrow. My blender has broken, and I think it may be time to upgrade to a bug girl Vitamix... and tonight's cashew filling has me convinced.... but to spend the actual money? That is stressful! We shall see.


The chunky cheesecake for now:

Back to "writing"! Yay!

Miso-glazed tofu and soba noodles

I am avoiding work again in a desperate attempt to control my blood pressure. Every time I get a morning email from my advisor with silly comments on something I have written.... I just know I cannot interact with others nicely.



So, let me talk about my dinner last night instead. Miso glazed tofu, and soba noodles with swiss chard.


The tofu was glazed with miso sauce - a recipe from the Moosewood Simple Suppers cookbook. I made it for some salmon the husband was having (see I won't cook meat, but I will make a glaze for it, I am very nice).

Miso glaze-
2 Tbsp miso
1.5 Tbsp mirin
1.5 tsp brown sugar
2 Tbsp rice wine vinegar or cider vinegar

I had made this awhile ago, so I froze it and it kept perfectly. I set the oven to 450, put the glaze over the tofu (use tin foil, it burns), and baked until it smelled like burning.

The soba noodles are actually a remnant from my weight watchers days. It calls for spinach, but the chard looked great. Use a ton of greens- they shrink down to NOTHING.

8 oz uncooked soba noodles 8 cups swiss chard (or spinach) 2 Tbsp soy sauce 2 tsp honey 2 scallions, sliced 1 tsp sesame oil 1 garlic clove (I had none, so I just used some ginger) Boil noodles- drain. Saute garlic (or ginger) in the sesame oil - add chard, cook. Add scallions, cook a minute or so. Add the liquid ingredients. Toss together noodles with chard mixture- and it's done. I just gone done with my second cup of coffee and my favorite strawberry oatmeal. (I added more strawberries, so it looks prettier today).
Now I will address comments. While listening to an NPR show on the neurobiological implications of stress. How awesome.

Staying away from work

Everyone has some interesting personality quirks. One of mine is that I constantly feel the need to be at work- even if I am not working. Human research is a lot of hard work, punctuated by long, extended periods in which there is very little to do. I remember when I first switched to human work one of the directors pointed this out to me- and told me it was important to keep myself motivated through these lulls. Well, right now I am in one of those down times. I am writing, but writing is a long process, especially when you are only writing to please your advisor on a weekly basis - and you cannot turn in work within less than a week, because it is unacceptable. Anyway - it's 9:45am, I woke up at 6 this morning to drive back from Chapel Hill. Because sometimes a one day vacation is better than nothing.


I am sitting here riddled with guilt because I feel that I need to be at work right now. What do I have to do today you ask? I have a meeting at 3 about a course I am a part of teaching. I also am having lunch with a friend. Additionally, I have some addresses at work I need to add to thank yous before I can send them out. My work consists only of a back and forth with my advisor about a draft I am preparing.


Do I have any work to do? No. I finished it last week, and have to wait until TOMORROW at two to submit it. Why do I feel I need to go to work then? My advisor doesn't know if I am there or not, I have nothing productive to do.... who knows. All I know is that it is Monday - and I already need another mini vacation.

Fun with advisors and Polenta!

Describing the relationship of an advisor to an advisee sometimes proves to be difficult. It's kind of like a mix between a boss, parent, Drill Sargent, and babysitter. Everything you want to do requires their permission. They guide your career, serve as the rate-limiting factor for your progression through school, make you feel like crap, and serve as your biggest fan. No matter what - they are the ones that will get you to graduate. You need their help to put out publications, okay your dissertation, and ultimately provide a recommendation for you. It's a very complex relationship - and it's different with everyone. Thinking your advisor hates you is a pretty common theme in grad school. Google "my advisor hates me" and you'll get several thousand hits. However, by the end most realize that their advisor does not in fact hate them... after several years of therapy.

My dad went to business school, and told me that my advisor uses a management style known as "everything is an emergency." Everything has to be done RIGHT away, and ASAP emails are abundant. This morning, I decided I would sleep in. It's Friday - and I had finished my work due NEXT week, so I decided to sleep in. At about 9, my phone starts buzzing at me- alerting me to a new email. It was from my advisor -saying to email him AS SOON AS POSSIBLE when I arrive at work. Well, crap. I throw on clothes, rush out the door, arrive at work unshowered and smelly - to email my advisor back. His reply? "Let's meet in 2 hours." UGH.

Anyway- the husband was gone last night, so I got to cook for myself yet again. I make a fun polenta dish when I don't feel like throwing anything too complicated together- so I saute up some veggies, and warm two slices of polenta in the microwave. Add veggies (onion, pepper and broc) to top, smother with tomato sauce and a sprinkling of Daiya and nuke again... and dinner is done. I was CRAVING carbs last night so I bought some sour dough bread. The wine is Skull camp's "anticipation" made by Round Peak vineyards. A young un-oaked chardonnay with less than 4% residual sugar- a nice semi-sweet wine. Perfect to accompany the 50 thank you notes I got through yesterday.
Now I am off for a swim - that will serve as my first "shower" of the day.

Sometimes winning can be fun

Being in grad school gets pretty depressing. Spending your days writing and writing, usually not even speaking to an actual human being all day. After 4 years, you get pretty worn down and are just ready to leave. I am in need-to-graduate mode, so I spend all of my hours writing, addressing corrections, and meeting with my advisor. There is no joy in my day, that's for sure. The only things that seem to brighten my day are food, sunshine (when I get to see it), when something unfortunate happens to a person I dislike, and chocolate.

Today - I was not feeling well, and I was exhausted from another running workout last night. The husband left at 5:30 to go play hockey, leaving on hall lights galore. I put a pillow over my head and vowed to sleep until I wanted to wake up. The cat woke me up at 8- I checked my phone and realized I had forgotten all about my dentist appointment today. I rushed out of the house, into the pouring rain, unshowered and miserable, ready to be pumped full of novocaine. One injection and two fillings later- I was rewarded with an Otis Spunkenmeyer cookie, which I could not resist and chewed with half of my face.

I returned home to find a package on my front porch - which I assumed were my wedding thank-you's.... which reminded me how many of them we now have to write, and I became more miserable. Instead- I found the contents of a giveaway I had won from Chai & Yoga. I was so thrilled that I won something - and even decided to work from home today - to spare myself from the florescent lights and smelly cubicle for at least one day. Yay! And no one had to get rejected from 12 grad schools to make me smile.

PhD FAQ's

Through experience, I have determined that after your fourth year, people ask you when you are planning on graduating AT LEAST once a day, but, if you are in this boat, don't be surprised if it is daily. I think people ask so much, because they have really no idea what goes into getting a PhD, and what exactly a dissertation is. A friend of mine had a mother who kept asking her: "how is your paper going?" like it was a book report! At this same friend's graduation, they pronounced her name incorrectly. I said aloud "6 years in this place and she can't get them to say her name right!" To which the woman next to me said "well, that's including undergrad." Um excuse me miss-my-daughter-is-in-PA-school.... I've been in (post high school) since 2001!!! BLAH!!!!

I am going to take this post to answer some PhD FAQ's, based on comments I have heard in my own experience, followed by who I heard them from in (quotes):

Keep in mind, I am getting my PhD in the Biomedical Sciences - so I am sure it differs through disciplines

1) When do you graduate (everyone):
The average length to complete a PhD in the US in 7.5 years. I have heard it said that the average length to complete a PhD in my program is 5.5 years. I am planning on 5 years exactly.

2). What do you mean you don't know when you will be finished? (early talk with the now husband):
Many components go into securing a PhD- but the overall point is to become a master of your field. The PhD is the highest degree an individual can earn in most-english speaking countries. Your committee (a group of professors who oversee your academic and research development) meet with you periodically to assess your progress and test your knowledge and writing skills. When they decide you are done you are done.

3). What does a program consist of (new students):
My program is a pretty basic biomedical program. There are a few steps.
- 2 years of general coursework where we must learn everything there is to know to be able to reflect the name of our degree.
- A written comprehensive exam - where we must demonstrate the mastery of our knowledge of each and every piece of information we gleaned from our general coursework. Only passing students are allowed to continue on.
- A thesis proposal - you establish your committee (5 members usually) and meet with them to discuss the plan you have established to graduate. This plan is about 12 pages and lists the scientific aims you will complete while you are there to earn your degree. During this time, each member will take turn asking you questions about your written proposal to find the whole in your knowledge. You can either PASS or FAIL. If you pass- you go on to become a ....
- PhD CANDIDATE!!!! - this means you have been deemed worthy to receive a PhD, and you need to go ahead and start doing all of the work you just told everyone you would do to graduate. This stage is referred to as "ABD" all but dissertation.
- Write your dissertation - it's long, and it's your entire graduate career in written form
- Defend your dissertation - you've performed the experiments, written the dissertation, now you have to defend it publicly in front of your dept, visiting students, and friends and family. Immediately following you PRIVATELY defend to your committee only, making sure you deserve to graduate.
That my friends, is what you have to do.

3) Doctor of Philosophy? Why the hell would someone want to study philosophy? (My brother in law):
Doctor of Philosophy what PhD stands for. This goes back a LONG time, to European Universities in the middle ages. These dudes considered science, math, and art, philosophies. Basically anything besides theology, law and medicine. So no, I do not study Nietzsche.

4) Don't you mean your sister studies Pharmacy? (friend of my bro's):
No, I don't study pharmacy, pharmacists make way more than PhD's for one. I don't administer drugs, or work in a drug store. Pharmacy school consists of two years of undergraduate study, and 4 years of pharmacy school. It is what is known as a professional degree. Pharmacology involves the study of drug and drug actions. We do the testing, pharmacists do the prescribing.

5) So-and-so is getting her doctorate too. She's getting her DPT! (old coworker):
DPT (Doctor of physical therapy) is another professional degree. 4 years undergrad, 3 years graduate. These degrees are not bad degrees, they will make good money also. But a professional degree is not as high as a PhD.

6) Why didn't you go to school to become a real doctor (husband's extended family):
Many people consider MD's the only "real doctor" there is. Is it because they write prescriptions? (PA's and some RN's and Pharmacists can do this), or because they see patients? (MA's in many disciplines see patients, as do clinical PhD's). Or is because they make a buttload? Who knows? But med school is a lot different from graduate school. For one - they don't get paid! I also love to sleep, and wanted a flexible schedule to raise a family and enjoy life. I've never wanted to be on call, or work 40 hours straight - no matter how much money I make. But, regardless I will be a doctor - so all of these people will have to address me as such each time they say my name.... as will my husband, parents and imaginary children.

7) Who pays you? (guy sitting behind me):
You do! Seriously, the government gives grants for good ideas scientists propose to them. Good ideas = money = graduate students. Sometimes individual professors pay students out of their grants, or universities pay students out of institutional grants. Someone told me once that the school uses money directly from the whopping tuition paid by the medical students, but I don't know this for sure.

8) What is your schedule? (friends, all the time):
Technically, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. But basically, we work until we are done. Unfortunately science can cause you to never be done, and so it becomes up to you to strike a balance between a semblance of a life and work. There are no official holidays or maternity leave. But we have a lot of flexibility in our field. If you are producing - you are good. if you are not - you are not good. Some weeks I work 20 hours, some I work 80.

9) Are you going to move when you are done? (I get this one from everyone):
The key is flexibility. Jobs are hard to come by - and you need to be willing to move. Yes, I have a preference of where i would like to end up, but there are no guarantees. I need to think of my career and go where the job is. So the answer is YES - I will be moving.

10) What do you do when you are done?
You have many choices. But the filed has changed in the past 20 or so years, and most everyone secures a position called a post-doc. This is a 2-3 year position where you learn how to be a real, grown-up researcher. If you want to stay in academia, they are almost required. If you want to go into industry (pharmaceuticals) or government, you can generally get a job right out of grad school. For teaching, it is sometimes possible to secure a position, but it is advisable to seek a post-doc.

11) So... when are you done?
Next August, 2011. We'll see what happens, but mark my words, I will be done. And there will be a party and everyone is invited.

Teaching would be great if it wasn't for all the students

A couple of years ago I decided that my career path would focus on teaching. For my entire life I have tended to like things that I am GOOD at (i.e. swimming! yoga!) and HATE the things that I suck at (i.e., SOFTBALL! HOCKEY! BASKETBALL! KNITTING!). Teaching is one of those things. It's a talent of mine, so therefore I enjoy it. However, it also makes me crazy. I remember my mother coming home after a day of teaching middle school and being so cranky for the first hour or so. Or.. the rest of the week (sorry mom).

I teach master's level students, whom I would have expected to be professional, motivated and respectful. Well, I was pretty off base. This is my third year teaching in the program, and it is still possible to surprise me. Today 2 students showed up 30 minutes late for their final. When I asked them if they forgot, they said "no," sat down, and bombed the exam in 28 minutes. After grading (which I had to do already because final grades were apparently due TODAY at 5!!!!!!) I discovered that a few of the males in the class had held true to their word of not studying for lack of necessity of a good grade on this exam to achieve a high overall grade. So, these few, who are regularly outstanding students - all refused to study and took C's on this exam.

Please - bear this in mind. When you visit a health care provider- they may have very well done this same thing. These aforementioned students do not know a thing now about diabetes, pregnancy, or sex hormones. Well, great. I'm staying out of any doctor's offices until I'm about to die.

My advice of the day: do your damn work. Lazy people make me angry. Get a job.